sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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