Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
