what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
