I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize