with your own penis?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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