i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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