I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
