the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
