He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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