no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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