the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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