I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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