Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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