I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry about my life...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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