Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
