I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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