So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
