man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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