I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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