Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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