the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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