did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
