i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
