ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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