the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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