I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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