I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
