sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
