You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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