he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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