k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
