Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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