I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
