I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
