Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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