If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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