Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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