it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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