I'm really into asian looking animals
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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