If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize