then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
