i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
