i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
