we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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