Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
