My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Panties = found
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
