my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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