how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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