Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
