The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
