I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
