just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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