So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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