you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
