my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
