Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
