Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
