My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize